http://www.bogleech.com/dnd/winglesswonder.html

Why aren’t people more aware that this was a thing?

Guys this was a thing

Often requested, I’ve finally done a page of some of my favorite creature designs off the show, things I wonder about them and some of their little-known inspirations! READ IT HERE. It is long and rambling and completely out of order, but you’re on tumblr so you should be used to that.

My friend and superior artist Joe Whiteford sent me a mystery package not long ago which including some buttons and mini prints of his lovable monster movie art (if you want to buy some you can probably send a request to his etsy!) along with an extra special surprise!

Just an ordinary fake plastic rock with a meaningless conspicuous seam on it, you say!?

No! It’s TRAPASAURUS!

This was one of the “Rocks” from the obscure 80’s toy line Rocks, Bugs and Things! Somehow slipping my notice completely as a child, I only really became acquainted with these toys through the internet, which is a shame, because half of them were arthropods with exploding faces and the other half were flesh-eating mutants disguised as boulders.

It’s a pretty rare and valuable item for Joe to just spontaneously send me but I guess he’s just that awesome. It also just happens to be the coolest looking of the “Rocks” by far, at least in my book, its eerie face reminiscent of all those floppy, rubber crocodiles and dinosaurs I’ve always adored.

(photo by Mark Harvey)

He also looks like a distant cousin to Bogun from Ultraman: Towards the Future. Whenever I can set up all my things again, they’re probably going to go side by side.

Joe also threw in a “Mordle,” the cute, grumpy little gremlins who came with every Bug and Rock as a prey animal. There’s a cavity in the back of Trapasaurus’s mouth that the little guy can completely disappear into!

I really want to review this whole series on Bogleech, but first I’d need to find some good images of them all that nobody minds me using!

So what if there’s just six of them, and only three even have the “slug” creature type? 

I just like them. I always meant to do a review, and now there’s more of them than ever!

Those beautiful, amazing toys I found on a questionable Chinese wholesaler weeks ago REALLY DID ARRIVE….with SECRET SURPRISES! Click above for an in-depth review!

I’ve never had a swig of alcohol or a drag of anything in my life, but when I look at the words I typed about this early 90’s toy line, I’d swear I was drunk or something. Especially when I get to the ones I can’t ever have.

I don’t even know what happened. I started writing about these guys and some sort of fiery, rambling passion just poured out. I HAVE LAID MY SOUL BARE FOR YOU, TRASH BAG BUNCH.

WHY DID YOU HURT ME, TRASH BAG BUNCH

WHY DO YOU KEEP HURTING ME

My first “Magic: The Gathering” creature review in six months! Here’s twenty-something “Elementals” of interest, featuring mudskippers that smell bad and dogs full of bees. You know, like, the elements, duh!

“Egomaniacox snoflakia”

“Who cares if you’re hateful, arrogant, ignorant, selfish, rude, lazy or just plain mean? That’s just called “being yourself,” and it’s your most basic right as a human being! You’re the only you in the world, and if you could put a price on that, it would be, like, infinity! You’re right as long as you think you’re right, and you’re owed whatever you want to be owed - isn’t that what it means to be an individual?

 If they can’t respect your special, one of a kind feelings, they’re probably too self-absorbed to be worth your consideration. If they don’t care about your needs and wants (the same thing, basically) you never need to care about theirs. If they can’t appreciate you just the way you are, then I guess you’re just too REAL for them! It’s not easy being born with this much individuality, but just keep being you, and sooner or later, the whole world will see just how important you are…one way or another!”

This is the last one!

I borrowed the dreaded Dreamworks face because I’m pretty sure it’s the most irritating, cocky expression ever formulated by the art world.

Entitlement is funny. Absolutely everyone hates it, but nobody ever thinks they have it until it’s far too late. It can seem only harmlessly obnoxious at first glance, but can likely be found hiding out in just about any negative human behavior imaginable; from cutting in line at the grocery store, to cutting off heads.

“Overreactus moralis”

You know, you and I have worked awfully long and hard to reinforce rigid limitations on what we privately consider acceptable language, humor, artwork and taste in hats. Why should you let anyone else sour our culture with their inconsiderate, indecent, careless self expression!? Your personal boundaries are clearly the correct boundaries the whole of society should conform to, and it goes without saying that you speak for EVERYONE else who matters! They’ll RUE the day they made that inappropriate comic, blogged those almost totally uncovered mammaries or used the Q-word that time…raise enough ruckus, and maybe we can even get A. essjaysalmonella on our side!

Still didn’t think any other word worked better than “hypersensitivity,” even though I don’t like it too much.

I kept jumping back and forth between using this design for the hypersensitive or the hypercriticial…I’m still not sure which one works better.

“Actiggressus essjaysalmonella”

“Don’t let those uneducated swine escape unshamed! It’s high time you stood up for what’s right by harassing, humiliating and bullying them into submission! It’s not an easy job, especially when you and I are the only ones in the world who aren’t insensitive scum, but no battle  is too small, no words too cruel, no cretin worth mercy as long as they offended you first! The world can only stand to be a better place once we expose the culturally offensive way they celebrated Presidents Day or callously misappropriated banana pudding!

Why bother talking it out peacefully, when you can wildly presume they’re beyond all hope and focus all your pent-up frustration into ruining their lives? It’s not your job to educate them - it’s your job to make them hate themselves for perpetuating the ills of society, intentionally or otherwise, and then maybe they’ll even KILL themselves, which would just be hilarious! Let’s go for the high score!”

vin·dic·tive (v n-d k t v). adj. 1. Disposed to seek revenge; revengeful. 2. Marked by or resulting from a desire to hurt; spiteful

The previous germs may be pretty evil, but even a well-intentioned hero can see them in a few too many places and go a little too far in their fury. No matter how hard you think you hate someone in the heat of the moment, you might be surprised just how much your own mind is exaggerating the situation, and just how receptive they could have been to a more constructive conversation…if you’d only given that a chance.

I’m guilty of acting this way now and then, though there are some cases, like the Deviantart neo-nazis, where I have to say I don’t regret my black and white treatment of them one bit. They are, after all, the sort of extreme lunatics who inspired Yesterday’s Racism germ.

….Anyway, I’m officially having too much fun now, I think. Originally this just had a vaguely bug-shaped gas body, but then I thought, nahhh, I better go full bug. ALWAYS go full bug!

I know some people might take this one’s “hurt butt” face as offensive, but this isn’t a play on “butthurt” so much as the ancient “bug up your butt” or “what’s up your ass” expressions (which are probably “butthurt’s” true roots anyway). If it’s a chronic vengeance-seeker, it also needed to be battle-scarred.

Obviously, the butt-fangs can sting.

It’s only a “quick fix” (Cracked’s super-miniaturized articles) but “4 Reasons Pokemon is the Scariest Alien Invasion Story Ever” is the first time, to my knowledge, that any Cracked feature has been 100% pokemon-centric. You’re welcome.

They’ve been turning down pokemon article pitches for years, saying they didn’t think their reader base had enough pokemon fans, but they thought my personal sci-fi horror pokemon theory was just interesting enough for a quickie.

The editorial made a couple minor errors (like referring to “species” of tentacool) but most of my jokes and all of my basic points are intact.

“Testestosteron deebaggicus”

“Bro, you and I both know that this “fight” for “women’s rights” was already settled, like, two grandmas ago. Heck, it could even stand to pedal back a couple decades! It’s not your fault if feminazis are always on the rag and secretly aching for like a million dongs!!! What they need is a real man™ like you to give them something better to do with their big mouths! Ooh, I know! You should, like, say exactly that! And I’ll be rooting for you while I weed out all these weenie brain cells crowding up your skull. Then we’ll have room for my hot tub!”

(OH BOY the comments I might be inviting)

 Following in the footsteps of the 80’s  “Worlds of Wonder” Germs and Germs of the Body, INTERNET GERMS are the things that live in horrible wretched people who ruin every community and conversation they touch!

I spontaneously doodled a bunch of them at the doctor’s waiting room the other day, and liked them enough to start scanning and coloring them. I have nine so far, but if I come up with designs I like for more, I might go further.

MISOGYNY GERM is meant to look primarily like a Y chromosome, but the first thing you probably thought he looked like wasn’t accidental either. His dumbbell eyes could also possibly be gonads. I almost made his lower thingy end in his brain but I thought I’d done enough and he probably just doesn’t have one.

Here I review an epic Spanish sticker set in which the following happens:

You’re DYING to see more, aren’t you?!

Don’t miss what this thing is supposed to be!!

NEW MORTASHEEN MONSTERS!

Originally planned on spacing these out over the past weak, leading up to 2013, but here they are in one big last-minute, late-night load! This brings the Mortasheen world up to 500 canonical monsters.

They are as follows:

Cacchinnox - a horrible dolphin-like Joker. This makes four monster classes where a dolphin is the worst one.

Mothstrous - a conventionally “cute” Moth-man (yeah, the same design could be a male or female) nevertheless considered really creepy and gross in Mortasheen.

Astarath - a star-shaped Devil Bird who lies all the time. Jerk!

Abnortis - a giant dead fetus in the sky!

Oovule - the “ultimate” Zombie Spawn, sort of tying the whole zombie spawn class together into a weird cosmic horror thing.