SARPRISE.

I planned this from the start, but being a shitty procrastinator, I finally drew every one of these in only the past 48 hours. The concepts and designs were mostly developed long ahead of time, though a few are last-minute. I’ve spent all day long finishing them, rather than finding anything else to do for the day before Halloween and my birthday, so you better look at EVERY SINGLE ONE, no matter how INANE.

All of them are of the “garbage” class, Mortasheen’s rejected losers.

Click the thumbnails!

You can always count on dollar stores to put out some lovely cheap junk. Here’s a review of like fifteen things! And only some of them were actually a dollar! I probably spent more than thirty bucks on what you see in this review!!!

How did I not know about this game? I don’t even care if it’s fun, I just want those little figures and that awesome box art which I can tell is by Ron Spencer.

This is the kind of thing I live for.

“NECLOS FORTRESS” (sic) was a Japanese collectible tabletop game utilizing both figures and cardboard tiles. There were at least a couple hundred monsters and every single one was charming, but here I review just around thirty of them.

drawingstupidmonsters:

Lava squids with hands, why not.

More like Lava squids with hands, ALWAYS.

On Deviantart HERE

I sure do overuse that same pinkish tone for monsters…

aardwolfpack:

What is this cool creature and where can I see more of it!?!

I don’t read naughty magazines but I do know that this was printed on page 7 of Femme Fatales, Vol. 9, No. 1 (June 2000).  I talked to an eBay seller who has this issue and she says it doesn’t give any information about the creature.  Now, I’m sure this thing wasn’t created for a Sophia Crawford photo shoot.  Does anybody know what movie/show/installation art/studio demo reel/pet project/whatever it comes from?

It really looks like he’s trying to be a good friend and cover up her embarrassing public wardrobe malfunction.

Oddly enough, I have a small picture of this monster that a friend sent me years ago, but I don’t know its origin, either!

He told me it appeared on a British TV show, but I can’t remember what, and even then he said it was definitely borrowed from some other, earlier production.

Whatever it is, it’s had quite the career.

It’s kind of cuter when you can’t see the mouth, as eyeball monsters usually are.

(Source: grottu)

This artist is absolutely incredible.

He knows the right definition of “Lovecraftian”

Every monster I’ve seen him design is astounding.

Literally every single thing in this picture appeals to me in every conceivable way. WHY CAN’T I LIVE HERE. LOOK AT THE COCOON THING WITH ALL THE MOUTHS I WANT TO GIVE IT A GREAT BIG OLD HUG.

rotarr:

Used the Mortasheen mutant generation table for this “little” dude.
He has a very closed field of view, so he painted himself some mimicry eyes on the “back” so people would stop sneaking up and scare him (but they are washing off with time). He is a little jumpy you know… Also his legs are useless for walking, so he do it like cats/dogs sometimes do to scratch their bottoms - crawling with the forearms and drag the ass around the floor~ Classy.

OMG the eyes! Both the real ones and the eyespots! EVERY TIME YOU OPEN YOUR ART HOLE SOMETHING THE BEST COMES OUT

My comments are degenerating in coherency.

godslush:

An extremely quick doodle of a mutant created using Bogleech’s Mortasheen Mutant Generation Table (using this to roll).

I rolled five mutations: thick, hard and cracked, crocodile-like skin texture; eyes anywhere but on head; hunchback; skin gnarled and knotted, like an old tree; and thick dark hair over most of body or in large patches. Not a terribly exciting mutant, but it’s the fault of the dice, really.

This was the first thing that came to mind. I may roll more for the lulz later.

You make it exciting! This is the kind of mutant someone in our world comes across in the dark and mistakes for a normal person, until it turns around and is all “YES, CAN I HELP YOU?” in the exact pose you just drew.

Oh my god. Baxter Stockman’s chronologically final appearance in the 2003 ninja turtles cartoon is ADORABLE. This even makes up for him not being a giant fly anymore.

I never watched much of the newer Turtles stuff, but I did see the unbelievably dark Baxter-centric episode “Insane in the Membrane” and the fantastic Turtles Forever movie.

I don’t really play anymore, but I still appreciate my pretend cartoon animals on neopets.com. I just got bored enough to make a few minor changes, though you won’t know or care exactly what they were.

After nearly ten years, however, I still think they suck for getting rid of this pet:

Seriously, what the hell was wrong with this design? It was the best concept they ever came up with, and my very reason for getting into neopets way, way back when. I still wish they would bring it back at least as one of those little petpets, or something. All would be right in my world if this flabby bug-faced mutant were just canon again.

Only a couple seasons ago, an episode of the Simpsons had all the old people’s eyeballs fall out. Those brave few who still watch the Simpsons have called this one of the worst things they have ever seen and tried in vain to forget that it ever happened.

There is nothing about any of this that doesn’t delight me.

If only more things in life could be summarized with “all of the old people’s eyeballs fall out.”

This is described on wikimedia only as “A Japanese rendition of a Russian Will O’ the Wisp.” I’d love to know some further context or history, because this might be one of the coolest, weirdest monsters I’ve seen in artwork this old, and that’s saying a lot. Its design sensibilities feel almost more modern than this image appears to be.